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Refusing to succumb to old age, Tom Ballard and Diana Trent are a pair of seasoned delinquents that cause many headaches. Their uneasy alliance is destined to make life difficult at the Bayview Retirement Village.
“A Comedy About Growing Old Disgracefully”
1990
Tom Ballard is put in Bayview retirement home by drunken daughter Marion and her weak husband Geoffrey. Many of the residents are very passive but not retired journalist Diana Trent, whose mission in life is to annoy 'the idiot Baines' - Harvey Baines, the home's manager. Initially she thinks Tom is rather dotty but when he tries to organize the residents into action against the home's poor food she knows she has found an ally.
Diana rows with chief carer Jane for calling her a senior citizen and Tom does his best to ignore Marion and Geoffrey. Diana's niece Sarah has left her Porsche at the home so Diana drives Tom to Brighton in it. Harvey Baines reports it missing and the couple are stopped by the police but explain that Diana has her niece's permission to use it and Harvey is threatened with arrest for wasting police time.
Tom really thinks that he won't have to wait for God much longer when he says he is dying and is rushed to hospital. He is discovered to have had a heart attack but he becomes very depressed and talks about suicide,writing 'die on Thursday' in his diary. In order to talk him out of what she believes to be his plan to end it all Diana threatens to join him.
Tom is going to the christening of his nephew and wants Diana to accompany him but she is not keen because her arthritis is playing her up. Because she failed to declare it on her application form, Baines tries to get her evicted from the home. Tom doctors a 'naughty' photo of Baines to blackmail him into changing his mind but Diana uses her old press contacts to 'persuade' the committee to let her stay.
Jane wants to become a nun so Baines sacks her and brings in stern German matron Greta Mueller, who is a tyrant and tells Sarah where Diana hid the Porsche. Tom cons Baines into making him the head of the Residents' Association and gets up a petition, which Baines thinks is to get rid of Diana, so he signs it. Actually it's to get rid of Greta, so he is forced to fire her and reinstate Jane.
Baines decides that if Diana and Tom are seen to be mentally incompetent it will give him power of attorney over them and end all his troubles, particularly as the home is in financial difficulties. So he refers them to psychiatrist Dr.Darrow, for whom they act out a well-rehearsed pantomine of odd behaviour, leading the doctor to conclude that they are not mad, just a touch eccentric, with unexpected help coming from Sarah.
With upcoming by-elections Councillor Ferguson is courting the grey vote and comes to the home. At the same time Diana, once a photo-journalist, takes Tom up in a helicopter to take aerial shots of local houses to sell to their owners. Among her shots is one of Ferguson and the Swedish nanny being very naughty on the lawn. This comes in very handy at scuppering Ferguson's plan to support a Japanese spare parts factory being built next to Bayview.
Stephanie Cole
Diana Trent
Graham Crowden
Tom Ballard
Daniel Hill
Harvey Bains
Janine Duvitski
Jane Edwards
Andrew Tourell
Geoffrey Ballard
Sandra Payne
Marion Ballard
Paddy Ward
Jamie Edwards
1992
Depressed vicar Dennis Sparrow is conducting the funeral of ex-Bayview resident Jimmy, but is making heavy weather of the eulogy and later he tells Tom and Diana that he is losing his faith. Geoffrey is back with Marion but their life is far from being a bed of roses and it's suggested Dennis tries to help them sort out their marriage. Not long afterwards Geoffrey announces that Marion and the vicar are now living together in Wales. Baines, meanwhile, is looking for a wife - a plan which involves Jane, though, sadly for her, not as a possible candidate, but as a helper.
1991
Following the death,alone, of a resident, Tom puts himself forward as a counsellor to aid and comfort the terminally ill. A new female resident arrives and has afternoon delight with old Basil. Some time later Basil seems to be dying and Tom rushers to counsel him but he is merely suffering from exertion after sex with the lady. However, the lady dies and Tom organizes a splendid send-off for her.
Tom is depressed because he is missing his late wife but Marion and Geoffrey are not keen to have him home on respite. He turns his attentions to Diana and suggests that they shack up together, a proposition that offends her so much that she has a partition built between their two rooms. Her mood is not helped by the arrival of new resident Daisy, who has a strong personality like herself and with whom she soon clashes, though Tom gets on well with her.
1994
Diana visits Tom in hospital. His operation to clear his prostrate cancer has been a success and he returns to Bayview with her. Unfortunately Geoffrey, who has had yet another falling-out with Marion, decides he wants to move in with them again. Baines is rejected by an exclusive golf club because he is unmarried.
Baines is hiring Mr. Nakamura, a Japanese hotel consultant, to advise on the building of a new,space-saving wing to be built at Bayview - thereby enabling him to pack in more residents. Tom starts the Bayview Conservation Society, eventually enlisting Diana, to demonstrate that any such building would damage the wildlife and the natural environment, thus stopping the plan from going ahead.
1993
Diana is horrified to find that she is unaccountably in the red and goes up to London to cause a fuss, only to discover that all her investments have gone into receivership. Back in Bayview, Tom's room is suffering from severe rising damp so Tom comes up with a solution that will sort things out for them both. They will live together in one large room. Diana accepts this but draws the line at being carried over the threshold.
Blaming Tom for introducing Marion to Dennis Sparrow, Geoffrey asks him to baby-sit his two children Skye and Tarquin, but they are little monsters who run rings round them. Fortunately, Diana is on hand to put them in their place. Baines decides to try computer dating to find his wife but Jane decides to put her oar in.
It's April and yet it's still very cold so the residents do not appreciate it when Baines turns off the central heating and suggest the residents go jogging to keep warm. Tom and Diana decide to get jobs to get out of the icy-cold home. Tom gets a job working with Geoffrey, but he is such a pain that ,in order to get rid of him, Geoffrey pays Baines to put the heating back on.
Baines meets a girl-friend, Lucy Maitland, at the hunt ball. His mother is coming to visit before going to stay with his sister so Jane poses as Lucy Maitland to put Mother off Harvey's new fiancee whilst Tom and Diana ham it up mercilessly pretending to be Baines' parents talking to Lucy. The result is that Lucy does not stay around and Jane has got her Baines back all to herself.
After she has been accused of selfishness, Diana goes to work as a volunteer at a charity for elderly people and takes up the cause of an old lady about to be evicted by unscrupulous estate agent Janet Follett. Diana learns that Ms. Follett is Baines' new girl-friend and she has plans for Bayview which will not go down well with the residents. With a little help from Tom and her media background Diana sets out to expose Ms. Follett.
Resident Dave Cartwright has died and at the wake the drink flows freely amongst the inhabitants of Bayview. Tom and Diana certainly have knocked it back and next morning wake up in bed together. Jane is shocked but Tom suddenly becomes very popular with the ladies in the home's bowling team.
Whilst Baines is ecstatic about his new car Tom and Diana plan a little holiday and start a vacation fund. Unfortunately, Geoffrey decides to invest the money in the new intensive care wing that Baines is having built for Bayview. When Tom finds out he and Basil show how creative they can be when somebody conveniently leaves a bulldozer lying around and the holiday is on.
Diana decides that she would like to enter politics and stands as an independent candidate for the Residents' Party. Baines has been asked to stand for the Tories so Tom decides he will have some fun and join in the race too. Diana is forced to stand down when Baines threatens to sack care worker Jenny but Diana makes sure that this is used against him too and his political career is a non-starter.
Diana collapses and is rushed to hospital where Baines tries, unsuccessfully to cop off with the lady doctor. Diana, wrongly, gets it into her head that she is dying of cancer and asks Tom to get her some sleeping pills so that she can end it all quickly. For Tom, however, there are limits as to what he will do for his best friend.
The residents are getting wet waiting for a bus but when it arrives the driver claims that they cannot get on for free for another four minutes as they are too early, so Diana hauls him off the bus and Tom hi-jacks it on behalf of the residents. Later this will come in handy when a very pregnant Sarah arrives, seeking Diana's reluctant help to deliver her baby. Ultimately a girl arrives, unsurprisingly, Sarah calls her Diana.
Baines threatens Diana with expulsion unless she removes the partition but they both have more pressing matters to consider as Daisy becomes completely domineering, taking over the home with her ideas and threatening to get current staff sacked. Finally, Tom organizes a revolt against her, causing her to leave . . . and Diana to remove the partition.
Resident Betty claims that her sewing basket has gone missing and Tom and Diana decide to investigate. Not fully believing Betty's story they follow her and Tom intervenes when they see her apparently shop-lifting. Tom is arrested and conducts his own court case, being found not guilty of theft, but guilty of contempt of court. Later, Diana recalls that she had the sewing basket all along, having borrowed it from Betty and forgetting she still had it.
Tom 's belief that one should always tell the truth offends Jane, who has made herself look glamorous to appeal to Baines and Tom says she looks hideous. He also upsets Marion by telling her what he thinks of her, leading to a big row. Sarah introduces her boy-friend Sam, who is looking for investors for his proposed beauty salon franchise, but Diana and Tom suspect he is a con-man and Tom - to make his peace with Marion - 'persuades' Sam to let his daughter run her own beauty salon for free.
Diana falls and breaks her hip whilst throwing a brick at the home's incompetent South American gardener. She is taken to hospital where she rows with the Welsh doctor over a hip replacement operation and Sarah, about to marry Sam, comes to visit. Sarah knows that Diana dislikes Sam and wonders if she will try to stop the wedding..or even attend. In the end Diana turns up for her niece's big day, using a Zimmer frame. Marion, meanwhile, is not making a success of the beauty shop and Tom suggests Sam take back the franchise.
Tom has a bet with Diana that she can't be nice to people for a work. Such untypical actions only lead to confusion. Baines wants to organize a glamorous grandmother contest for the old ladies in the home, the prize being a cruise for two. Since Basil wants to marry Betty, Tom approaches his son-in-law Geoffrey, whose firm are sponsoring the contest to let Betty win, but when Betty gets cold feet and refuses to enter, Diana, having made sure a journalist friend is present to expose any 'fixing' the contest; replaces her and wins. She lets Betty and Basil have the prize.
In order to cut costs Baines decides to employ illegal immigrant workers at Bayview. To Diana one incompetent foreigner, the gardener, is enough and, after the residents have staged a protest, order is restored. Tom has been overdoing physical exercise in his efforts to get as fit as Linford Christie and his collapse leads Diana to persuade him to slow down.
A group of students comes to Bayview and Baines bribes Bob, one of them, into being seen in a compromising situation with Diana. This will enable him, under an old church covenant from the 1600's which was bestowed upon the home, to have her thrown out for immoral actions. As it happens Bob much prefers Marion and goes off with her instead.
In addition to her alcoholism, Marion's fling with Bob becomes the last straw for Geoffrey, who finally decides to leave her. But where can he go? Answer, move in with his father at Bayview but Geoffrey is so boring that before long Diana and Tom are planning to get him back with Marion.
A letter from the mayor's office suggests that a royal personage will be gracing Bayview with a visit. Diana, already even more crotchety than ever, due to a painfully swollen foot, does not share Tom's monarchist views and holds forth on the pointlessness of the royals. Just as predictably the royal visit turns out to be very much less 'royal' than expected.
Diana's foot shows no sign of healing and Tom is anxious for her to see a doctor. For all of her brash facade she is reluctant to seek medical advice in case she is given the worst possible scenario. However, she complies and is told that she has diabetes and must alter her diet. A relieved Tom proposes. Baines also proposes to Jane, in order to get his golf club membership, but she turns him down.
Diana and Jane are both taken aback by the bizarre ways of men, following their respective marriage proposals. Tom's proposal to Diana has brought on a shock and she collapses and is taken to hospital. Jane's decision that she will become a nun after all has tempted Harvey to consider joining the priesthood.
A combination of genuine feelings for Jane, whom he is used to having around, plus the desire to still join the golf club, causes Baines to become a priest of the Order of the Flaming Sword of Las Vegas - by post.
Whilst planning his pre-nuptial agreement with an eager Jane, Baines is told that he is not a proper priest and that any attempts he makes to get money from his ordination will lead to fraud charges. Diana is of course delighted but she has more pressing matters - Tom's threatened bungee jump. She agrees to marry him if only to stop the jump from going ahead but insists on her own pre-nuptial conditions.
After confiding her doubts about marriage to Sarah, Diana has a raucous hen night with male strippers whilst Tom's stag night is a very staid affair. The befuddled Dennis Sparrow is to conduct the two wedding ceremonies separately but due to a double booking involving a funeral, a double wedding is on the cards after all - despite Marion's efforts to sabotage Tom's marrying Diana.
To Jane's disapproval, Diana and Tom are now living in sin, or rather together, but already they start arguing, since they can't decide whose furniture they should be using. A new resident, Mrs. Kent from Gwent, arrives. She is withdrawn and nervous so Tom and Diana put on an act of being very happy together in order to bring her out of her shell. As it happens they do get a result - but only when she sees what they are really like.
Living together is not the bed of roses that Tom and Diana were expecting. He criticizes her sloppiness and her funny little ways, such as feeding acorns to squirrels with a sling-shot. She decides to move out and goes to stay with Sarah to be a nanny to baby Diana but this is not her forte. Tom misses her, especially when Geoffrey decides to move in with him again.
Geoffrey is getting on Tom's nerves with his obsession with shelves, which he keeps putting up all over the unit and it's a blessing when he gets a call from Marion, asking him to get back with her. Tom is not the only resident missing Diana as she is seen as a source of advice, but Diana herself, a thoroughly incompetent nanny, is missing Bayview and, after ruining a fashion show goes 'home' to Tom.
Whilst Mr. Kwok demonstrates karate to the Bayview males, who vie with each other to impress Jane, Tom is introduced to Jane's psychic, Marjorie Evans, and asks to be put in touch with his dead wife. A seance is duly organized, but Marion has bribed the medium to give a fake message, saying that Tom's wife disapproves of his relationship with Diana. Diana,however, exposes the plot.
A promotional video is being made to extol the virtues of Bayview and several residents are to have speaking parts, including Basil, who sees himself as the new James Bond, Tom and Jenny. The excitement is such that few will heed Diana's view that it is just another money-making scam by the idiot Baines - except Tom, who joins her in sabotaging the project by substituting footage of Marion and Geoffrey giving a rather more realistic look at life.
When Tom and Diana's life drawing art classes at the local college are terminated and complaining yields no joy, they decide to instigate their own at Bayview. Baines is to be the model, posing as Julius Caesar, bare beneath his toga for authenticity (or so Diana tells him). When an inspector calls at Bayview, Diana undoes the knot holding the toga in place and leaving Baines publicly nude. As a result, he has to go to a clinic where Jane reports that he has had a breakdown.
A strange reversal of fortune overtakes Bayview with the hospitalised Baines seen as the victim and Diana his tormentor. She is sent to Coventry and there are threats of staff strikes unless she goes. Help comes from a most unexpected source - Marion, whose pharmaceutical knowledge leads her to see that Baines is faking his condition. Diana is vindicated though Tom has made her apologize to Baines in order for her to be allowed to stay. He knew Baines was faking it but thought the humility would do her good.
After drinking a lot at a reunion, Tom has trouble passing water and becomes very sensitive about it. He tries to keep it from Diana but his secretive behaviour initially leads her to believe that he is seeing another woman. Ultimately, he sees a doctor and goes to hospital and she is upset that he had not told her the truth.
There is to be a conference on the needs of the elderly held, and Diana is asked to be the local representative. At the same time Tom is waiting on tests to see if he has prostrate cancer, and so Diana researches the subject for the conference. Although the results of the test are as yet undisclosed, Tom declares his love for Diana.
