Tracey Takes On...(1996–1999)

Romance

Rayleen says her height-challenged husband maybe a midget, but he's not all small. Mrs. Noh Nang Ning compares love to a donut. Virginia Bugge reveals the identity of her most exciting lover – a horse. Hope fantasizes about a man at a coffee shop while trying to study. Chic says LA women are shallow and are only after money, that's why he came to NY, to become a chick magnet (that's the origin of his name). Fern's husband is at the hospital recovering from a heart attack, and she keeps babbling about the Chinese acrobats they must see and wander about their lives. Professional golfer Midge Dexter and Chris Warner, her ""nutritionist"", go through a tough time on their closeted relationship because Midge doesn't want to go public yet. When Midge makes the final putt Chris kisses her and a few other golfers take the opportunity to do the same. Linda Granger, who's had 4 husbands, asks who needs men afterall.

Charity

Janie Pillsworth reveals she exchanges food for poems with the ATM homeless man because his poems are a sure hit on her magazine. Hope unfortunately can't talk at the moment because she lost her voice doing reading for the blind. Fern decides to throw a fundraiser party for a disease, but Harry gets a call saying their disease I now curable. Fern is upset because next year they'll have to pick an incurable disease. Linda Granger decides to run a documentary about AAAH - Aged Animal Actors Home -, run by Rayleen and Mitch Gibson. Linda introduces several handicapped animals until she realizes her little dog was eaten. Kay Clark decides to help a starving Viet vet offering him work. He ends up stealing her mother's amphetamines – which were really very potent laxatives – to sell on the streets.

Nostalgia

Janie Pillsworth is too busy for nostalgia. Mrs. Noh Nang Ning is nostalgic about TV shows with talking objects/animals. Kay Clark misses the days when there was only one Metamucil flavor. A Russian family misses the old Soviet Union days. Trevor Ayliss feels nostalgic about the swinging 70's, when a bathhouse was more like a ""gay chicken soup with dumplings"". Ruby Romaine talks about ""Safari"", an epic movie which was never finished due to the mysterious death of the recently-hired co-lead. Erin remembers the sixties – a decade she never really lived. Chic misses the disco era.

Royalty

Rayleen questions if numbers are the most precise way to identify a royalty. She defends using referable phrases such as ""Henry the Serial Killer"" instead of Henry IV. Fern thinks Steve and Eydie are real royalty. Kay is a victim of a con artist who claimed to be the last son of the King of Albania. But was he really? Ruby doesn't have nice things to say about Grace Kelly and Prince Rainier's marriage. Sydney Kross offers her services to Lady Di. Hope remembers American royalty – Elvis, Larry King, B.B. King, etc. Virginia Bugge and her husband plan a party for Her Royal Highness. The party is a failure and Her Royal Highness only leaves to watch the X-Files. Virginia is devastated, but the Queen's assistant says she loved the party, where she could make everyone miserable – just what she enjoys. Trevor remembers an episode with Princess Diana's entourage. Linda Granger says she'd make everyone cancer-free if she ruled the world.

Family

Fern says she'll never pressure her daughter to have children. She had and it ruined her life. Virginia Bugge still believes in corporal punishment. Kay is still following her mother's advice not to marry men because they kill you after they do nasty things to your downstairs area. Rayleen says she and her husband aren't ready to have kids yet and make everything possible to make sure that doesn't happen. Sydney thinks being a ""Big Sister"" is a great thing during trials that aren't going well. Chic has a fight with his brother for selling him bad food ‘n drinks. Mrs. Noh uses cheap techniques to make sure her niece wins the ice skating competition. Ruby remembers her large parents. Trevor is asked by his fellow flight attendant friend Leann to father her child after she sees him taking such good care of passenger Janie Pillsworth's children. Trevor doesn't want to betray his partner Barry, but ends up doing Leann the favor. The Rosenthals are looking for a condo. They don't want a fami

Law

Mrs. Noh Nang Ning says she once had a problem when a customer ate a finger donut. But it never went too far – no evidence left. Hope says some girls were caught shoplifting, but might be doing it again – a professor's hairpiece has gone missing. Sydney Kross represents an exotic dancer who's suing a vender machine owner because she sat on hot soup. Ruby wants her son to injure himself on purpose so they can make a few bucks on a supermarket. Fern and Harry Rosenthal have a disturbing weekend helping the police bust a suspect drug dealer who turns out to be a secret narcotics agent undercovered.

Vanity

Chic says he likes to look good for the ladies. Harry buys license plates for Fern that say ""4N"" and she doesn't like it because they sound more like ‘foreign' than ‘Fern'. Virginia Bugge says Americans are vain and think the show is about them. Kay tries to dress up as bridesmaid for a wedding, but her mother has a fake emergency that ruins her plans. Mrs. Noh Nang Ning says vanity is like the colored sprinkles you put on donuts – good show, no taste. Ruby says the men she has worked with are twice as vain as the women. Sydney is obsessed with her new do and even use it to win a case. Trevor tells the story about the time he met a plastic surgeon and when Linda Granger's implants burst in the plane. Janie tries to direct a fashion show from a war zone in Bosnia. Mb>Rayleen doesn't like having to wear breast pads when she has to roll down the stairs. Linda has had a lot of work done. But she'd rather think of it as restoration process.

Death

Trevor says what he does when a passenger dies in the air. Mrs. Noh Nang Ning says death is like a donut – you are born and die with the same characteristics. Virginia

Health

Kay hasn't been sick in over 15 years due to all the potions her mother makes her take. Chic thinks it's better to pump chicks than iron. Sydney is forced by her partners to take a vacation and goes to a spa, where she runs into Rayleen, Linda and Janie. Rayleen has slipped on a soap and injured herself. Linda has gotten drunk in public and Janie is having a mud bath. Sydney manages to convince all 3 into starting suits. So much for vacations. Mrs. Nang shows her meditation techniques. Fern and Harry solve a few issues with Boca Raton. She manages to clear out her nose and he solves his backache problem. Ruby has to undergo a mammogram, but isn't worried about breast cancer due to her age.

Fame

Chic says he's the one that convinced Andrew Lloyd Webber into making ""The Phantom of the Opera"" but was never thanked for it. Sydney comments on how things changed since the O.J. trial. And that lawyers are the only ones that can charge for their 15 minutes of fame. Kay says she once cashed a check for Pablo Escobar and regrets not taking advantage on his ""if you ever want anyone killed, look me up"" offer – better for Mother. Mrs. Nang says Linda Granger has been in her shop and shows an autographed picture. Linda is flying to LA for pilot season (""for me, everyday is pilot season"", says Trevor in the plane), but loses the part of John Stamos's mother to Marion Ross. She decides her career needs a shake and decides to hire a stalker. But a real stalker starts going after her and they go on a car race across town. When Linda's life is in danger, Rayleen steps in as a stunt for Tracey Ullman, who walks out of the set because ""she's done for the day"".

Sex

Sydney goes on about how the last men she's been with haven't really satisfied her. Hope imagines her future sex life (she's still a virgin) and worries about obsessing about the guy's penis. Birdie Godsen says sex should be taught at home and shares how she's handling her own her. Linda falls into temptation with the cable guy even though she shouldn't (she's a recovering sexaholic). Fern is tired after spending the night awaked with Harry. Kay says she doesn't know what sex is thanks to so much advice from her mother. That doesn't mean she isn't willing to give it a try sometime. Ruby is working on the set of a porn film and gives the solution for the star's ""wood"" problem. Chic remembers when he became a man and the casaba woman retired after him.

Fantasy

Jobie and Fern talk about Jobie's sexual fantasies with the pool guy. Trevor says his fantasy is to be the steward on the space shuttle, where he can weightless with other men. Sydney fantasizes about killing a priest just to win a case and get underground parking. In her fantasy, she becomes a jail celebrity and convinces her mother to change places with her. Her Royal Highness meets Tracey Ullman, the ""expatriate mimic"" and asks if she can do her. Tracey replies with a very subtle answer. Ruby tries to explain to a police officer her first encounter with an alien. Mrs. Nang fantasizes about being a movie stars from the movies she saw as a child. Rayleen and Mitch try once again to make it to the Penthouse ""Forum"" column.

Mothers

Ruby thinks she raised her kids well – despite her son being mentally ill and her daughter a morgue thief. Mrs. Nang says it's easier being a grandmother than a mother. She had a tough time raising her daughter. Janie feels bad for treating her mother bad after she has a dream where she is old and her own children treat her the way she's treating her mother. Birdie thinks a shotgun and a rifle are better presents for her son than a minibike. Ruby insults a Hispanic clerk at a store after he wouldn't cash her check, and then uses her great granddaughter (whom she just met and happened to be half black) to benefit in the discussion with the black manager. Her Royal Highness meets Mother Theresa and remembers how funny it was when an Indian nanny of her was eaten by a tiger. Fern and Harry handle the birth of their grandson in their own ways. Chic says he's saving money to bring his mother to America, but emergencies like his brother's hair transplant keep him from raising the needed mone

Las Vegas

Virginia is frustrated when her flight is diverted from San Francisco to Las Vegas. Just in time as she was arriving from the ""gastronomical desert"" of New Zealand. Linda is excited about performing in Las Vegas once again, but she doesn't hold as much sparks as she did twenty years ago, and looks back on her memories while giving an interview on a bathtub filled with nonfat milk. Ruby is helping a friend cover up scars for a performance and talks about the time she worked on ""Showgirls"". Trevor finds himself alone in the company of the maid of his high-profile German magician friends, and puts on a white tux to catch Linda's act on the Lapland Lounge. Chic gives Tim Bugge passes to an adult show in case he wants fun on his own. Hope is in town working on a paper and is mistaken by a hooker after almost being run over by a drunk. Later, Chic thinks she's a lesbian when she asks him to drive her to a strip club. Tim runs into Fern at a blackjack table on his way to the Lapland Lounge, w

Secrets

Kay confesses that she once kept a secret bird as a pet, until it learned how to speak and ordered Mother to take her medication 16 times, causing her to lose 22 pounds in 9 minutes. Linda's adopted daughter wants to find her birth parents, so Linda and her manager work on a scheme to hide the truth from her, but Marmalade ultimately finds out: Linda is her real birth mother! She gave her up to save her showbiz career but adopted her after a change of heart. Chic says he'll give away any secrets if the person doesn't tip him. HRH thinks Madonna is visiting and confesses adoring the blonde. Fern says her nosejob is a secret. Janie tells her shrink she'd like to be spanked, only her husband won't do it. After chickening out of a S&M club, she talks her psychologist into spanking her for a double fee. Rayleen says she was born with a small penis, which is now at exhibition at the ""Rupert Murdoch Museum of Exploitation"". She wonders if there's some of it left on her, since she feels an urg

Childhood

Main Sketches include: Rayleen tells how she was raised by a pack of wild dingoes, Mrs. Noh describes how important the circle has been in her life and Trevor reminisces about the day his family learned he was ""different"".

1976

Janie's magazine hosts a seventies retro-party at the famous Stage 24 disco. Janie and Hope, who is an intern at the magazine, arrive at the party via Chic's cab. In a flashback Chic tells Hope how be helped a young Janie sneak into the club in 1976, where she spied on Linda Granger's cocaine habit as well as her double dealings with the producers of her hit television show ""VIP LOUNGE."" Afterward Janie wrote an article, which launched her career and destroyed Linda's. Ruby caps off the show by claiming she was actually responsible for Linda's demise.

Food

Main Sketches include: Janie is upset over losing her favorite lunch table, Chic serves lunch to a busy businessman in his Cab Cafe and Trevor & Barry have a spat over a casserole with too much salt.

Crime

Main Sketches include: Kay is suspected of robbery but gets close to the PI following her, Linda goes to prison to visit the man who once stalked her and Timmy & Virginia accidently switch bags with a Mafia Boss.

Movies

Main Sketches include: Ruby goes to the ""Monsterplex"" and is thrown out for drinking and smoking, The Bugges rent their house to a film crew and Rayleen saves the day at a movie premiere.

Money

Main Sketches include: Chic gets audited, Fern and Harry invest in ostriches and Linda sells recovery dolls on the Family Spending Channel.

Race Relations

Main Sketches include: Linda's co-star in ""Driving Miss Daisy"" is mad at the world, Kay is the forewoman of a multi-racial jury that has a hard time finding common ground or coming to a verdictand and Harry Rosenthal appears in a rap music video.

Supernatural

Main Sketches include: Chris sells her soul to the devil so that Midge can be a better golfer, Janie believes that she is a successful magazine editor because she can predict trends and The Rosenthal's maid curses them for taking taxes out of her check.

Politics

Main Sketches include: Trevor as a decoy date for a senator's mistress and Fern runs for condo association president.

Music

Main Sketches include: Sydney defends her client in song, Chic runs after a deadbeat fare and ends up on stage at the opera, Linda sings before a crowd a detention facility and Erin reunites with her old band Wild Child, for a short time.

Marriage

Main Sketches include: Sydney presses Kay to marry her client who's on Death Row to save him from the chair, Ruby meets her son's mail order bride, Sheneesha gives some advice to some newlyweds.

Hollywood

Dating

Main Sketches include: Sydney tries a dating agency, Erin objects to Dusty's going on a date and Linda's limo driver turns out to be an old flame and they have a Titanicesque moment

Drugs

Main Sketches include: Erin's drug dealer contemplates his life, Sheneesha needs her blood-pressure medication, Midge develops a steriod problem while Chris has her own problems with pot and Kay talks to a co-worker about an addiction but gets hooked herself, on swing.

Scandal

Main Sketches include: Fern is touched inappropriately by her dentist, Sydney goes away on vacation and finds a p*bic hair in her bed and Janie is attracted to a young man -- a very young man

Hair

Main Sketches include: Linda is upset she doesnt have a nude scene in ""Hair"", Trevor recalls getting a Beatle haircut as a youth, Fern's hairdresser dies and Erin has a problem with a cactus

Lies

Main Sketches include: Fern and Phyllis discuss their late husbands' infidelities, Sheneesha and Hellura discuss how to respond to deal with cheating boyfriends and Chic tells a lie to get out of a ticket and suffers the consequences

Erotica

Main Sketches include: Janie brings home an arousing sculpture, Chic has an idea for Taxicab Confessions, Linda Granger and Victoria Principal are held against their will by a sultan

Books

Main Sketches include: Linda reads Chekhov, Kay finds love at the library and Fern trys to retrieve her signed ""Valley Of The Dolls"" from a friend who died

Road Rage

All sketches coincide with one another.. Sydney enjoys her new Hummer, Linda flies with Chopper Tim, Ruby is carjacked and becomes a hero, Hope retrieves her first car that had been stolen, Fern and Jobie visit L.A., Midge and Chris are mad at a driver that cut them off Everyone almost collide with one another at the end.

America

Main Sketches include: Ruby was Sen. McCarthy's lover, Fern remembers her past with a jewish mobster

Hype

Main Sketches include: Madame Nadja wonders about America, Fern has an unexpected surplus of caskets and Sheneesha hates the conditions in the new airport terminal

Obsession

Main Sketches include: Sydney gives an impromptu slide show at her high school reunion for revenge, Trevor and Barry take up Latin dancing, and Sheneesha on Steven Spielberg's stalker